10 Things That Really Piss Me Off In No Particular Order of Degree or Logic

10) Raccoons

I hate raccoons. Not because they’re pests. Not because they have those dark, sadistic circles around their eyes. I don’t even hate them for those awful screeching sounds they make when they’re fighting that sound like they’re getting their intestines ripped out and tied around a tree.  I hate them because they’re arrogant, deluded bastards.

Too many times, I’ve found myself walking down a dark quiet street at night, only to have a raccoon lurk its head out of a garbage bin, and look at me with contempt and condescension. They scornfully stare at me as if I’ve impeded on their privacy, taken them away from their feast of trash. They disdainfully ogle me as if I’m the strange one - as if I’m the one doing something wrong. FUCK YOU! You’re the one eating garbage! And it’s not even your own garbage. You’re eating someone else’s garbage. Now if the raccoons I stumbled upon were to see me approach, and hang their heads in the appropriate shame and embarrassment that such a sight calls for, I would have a very different perception of the fat furry fucks. But they don’t. They just stare and judge.

A lot of you might think that their attention to my presence in such scenarios is a survival instinct – a cautious measure to protect their food, territory, and safety – it’s not. They’re deluded, inappropriate jerks.

9) People that send mass holiday greetings

It’s cheating. It’s not consideration or personal thought – it’s convenience. I find it insulting, I really do. I see it as though I’m not even worth the thirty seconds or one minute it takes to send me a personal email or text message. I’m only worth the time it took to write “Merry Christmas” or “Happy New Year” divided by the number of people these impersonal jerks have on their contact lists.

Do yourself a favour and don’t do it. No one’s looking at this message thinking, you’re a thoughtful, kind person. They’re thinking, “Wow, how caring? This wally typed in ten characters and clicked on send all.”

8) Emoticons

If you need to send me a winky face to show me you’re joking or being sarcastic, the joke sucks and it’s not funny. If you need to send me a an angry red face to show that you’re upset, you’re an idiot and I’m not going to take it seriously.

7) People that wear glasses without lenses

You’re not fashionable. You’re a moron. It’s like walking around on crutches without a broken leg.

6) People that say, 'Guy'

Like, “Hey guy”, or “What can I get you, guy?”

There’s no reason or rational, I just don’t like it.

5) When I walk outside and it starts raining at that precise moment

Now I know this scenario is magnified in my mind just because I don’t like it, and I’m sure a much greater percentage of the time I walk outside and it’s a beautiful day, but I can’t help but feel as though this happens to me more than other people. Of course, there’s no way of knowing that and I realize that in all likelihood I’m wrong, and being a bit of a negative Nancy, or even a bitter Betty if you will, and that it’s just a coincidence that occurs to others just as much as it does to me, but I feel like it happens to me a lot. And I hate it.

When I walk outside to dry pavement and feel the first few drops of drizzle coming down, the logical thing to do would be to return home and grab an umbrella, but I can be irrational and a bit of an idiot. I feel like turning and punching a concrete wall and then doubling over in pain because I’ve just punched a hard concrete wall with my soft lady-like hands. I feel cheated and like the butt end of a joke – as if Mother Nature’s been hiding behind the clouds waiting for the moment I walk out of my door to piss on me with her acidy urine that makes me feel uncomfortably moist and stains the back of my pants because I kick up water on them as I walk. Then I picture her laughing at me as the rage lowers my brow and clenches my jaw. If she were a real person and I saw her at that exact moment, I would like to say that I would be bold enough to slap her or kick her in the shin, but I think hitting women is despicable and unacceptable. I’d probably just glare at her for a moment, and then look down at the sidewalk, muttering profanities under my breath. And if she greeted me with a smile, I’d probably respond with the same, because that’s just the kind of guy I am; some might call it chivalrous, others would say cowardly. I like to think I’m diplomatic and not confrontational, but cowardly is probably the most accurate description.

4) When my IPod doesn't get me

I wish there was some kind of mood sensor with the IPod shuffle feature. There have been days when I feel like absolute crap and days where I feel great and enthusiastic and really excited, and on those days, occasionally, I’ll put my iPod on shuffle, and it will randomly pick the worst songs. I’m serious. Sometimes it picks the worst possible songs that don’t change my mood or intensify it. In fact, it has a strange effect where I get really frustrated, defeated, and antsy. I’m usually forced to turn it off altogether and walk or do whatever I was doing in empty, boring, stupid silence.

Sometimes, when I feel down, I want to hear music that reflects that. Like many people, it gives me some kind consolation and reassurance, as though I’m not the only human that feels like shit in that moment and that there are others who have felt or feel like I do. Conversely, when I feel really good, I like to maintain that feeling with music that preserves and encourages my positivity, and more often than not, my IPod drops the proverbial ball or whatever other analogy that describes when something stupid doesn’t do what it should or you want the stupid thing to do.

There have been rare occasions where the complete random selection of songs has been able to increase the mood I was in, whether it be happiness or despair, or even change it for the better altogether, but they’re just too few and far between. I know I could just make playlists for such occasions, but sometimes, I get bored of what’s on my ‘Summer 2011’ or ‘Pick Me Up’ playlist and want to hear something that I loved two years ago, played forty times in a row, got tired of, but now am ready to be pleasantly surprised when it pops up randomly, but the shuffle feature just doesn’t come through and makes my day worse or ruins it altogether, making me want to throw my IPod at a passing bus, which I would only do if I had enough money to walk into the closest BestBuy and buy a another one, but money’s a bit tight, so I have to put up with its insensitivity and inconsideration.

3) Lines

I like to think I’m a patient person. My profession at the moment requires a lot of patience and I’m pretty good at demonstrating it, but when I’m in line, whether it be at a grocery store, a government building or coffee shop, I start to freak out. Maybe it’s because I spent so much time in lines throughout university, waiting to get into the places with the cheapest and thus, crappiest domestic beer on Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and occasionally Monday nights, because I wasn’t cool enough to know the bouncer from the gym or other places where all the cool kids meet each other and get to build a world that the rest of us are never a part of, but I don’t know, I’m not a scientist.

I’m not agoraphobic or antisocial, and I don’t get paranoid or anything. Instead, I just become agitated, twitchy, and really irritable. I start to hate everybody in front of me and delude the time they take to complete their transaction. In actuality, I wait in lines as much as anyone else, I think I just react to it differently. It’s gotten so bad now, that every time I approach an option of lines, like in a large grocery store, I try to deduce which line will move the quickest by judging the cashier or teller, the clients, what they have or the quantity I think they might have to do/purchase. For example, a young cashier/teller will probably move quicker and be less susceptible to inane small talk. Old clientele will be ridiculously susceptible to inane chitchat and move at the rate they are shrinking.

I know everybody does this to some degree, but I think I do it obsessively and with too much concentration than what would be considered normal. Also, I feel like I pick the worst line every single time. I always get stuck behind the person who’s card doesn’t work or who wants to review the last two years of his/her account history or who isn’t sure whether he/she wants the laundry detergent he/she thought was on sale but isn’t, but will check his/her receipt three more times to verify the price and waist a little bit more of everybody else in the line’s life.

I get so pissed off that now, if I walk into a store and notice a long line, or the attendant is having a large conversation with a customer about trivial garbage (which happens all the time in Spain, where I live now, with complete disregard for anyone else in the store/office, but it’s nice, because it’s friendly and welcoming, but at the same time, all I want is a stupid carton of milk for my coffee and I have to sit there listening about how some guy named Jose has a sister who had a kid and she’s decided to name him Jose) I just leave and go to the closest place where I can purchase the same thing or complete the same transaction. I know this is illogical because I spend more time walking to the next destination than it would have taken to wait at my original place, and then there’s the possibility that the next location will have more of the same, but, I don’t know, I just hate lines.

2) Waiting for the plane doors to open once I arrive at my destination

It seems like there’s a common theme here, but really, I’m not an unreasonable idiot who can’t relax and be patient for particular things to happen. I just hating waiting in certain situations, and waiting for the plane doors to open once the plane has reached the boarding gate where we will disembark is just one of those situations.

It’s strange that after what at times has been a fourteen-hour flight, I can’t hold still and remain calm for another five to ten minutes, but I just can’t. I get restless and usually end up in this awkward half-sitting, half-standing position, strategizing my escape and how I’m going to beat the elderly couple in front of me to the overhead stowage. And then once the doors open and I see the first-class passengers exiting, I don’t feel a deep sense of relief or tranquility, I hate them because they’re disembarking before me and can afford to fly first-class and enjoy such luxuries, in addition to mint chocolate chip ice cream for desert as opposed to my plastic wrapped yogurt granola bar that tasted as bad as it did when I used to eat them at recess when I was 10. Then, I have to painstakingly watch as the other passengers file out of their rows, fix their clothes, fold over their jackets, slowly grab their carry-ons, and comment to anybody listening, “Wow, that was a long one, huh?” without any sense of urgency. Yeah, it’s been a fucking long one and I want to get off and walk on solid ground that’s not moving at 1000 km/h and breathe something other than recycled air. I don’t think I’m asking for anything unreasonable. Just a little more organization, pace, and the decency to not stretch when you stand up in the aisle and let the other 200 passengers behind you get off before they try to throw themselves out those ridiculously tiny thick cabin windows.

1) Not knowing what to do with my life and the people that know exactly what to do with theirs

When people achieve something significant, I am genuinely happy for them. I like to share in people’s happiness’ and triumphs, and as such, don’t become engulfed in envy or jealousy. However, I, like many others, have no idea what to do with my life. I love the people that are in my life. I love my friends. I love my family. I am madly in love with my girlfriend, but I have no idea what to dedicate myself to; what to devote my life to. I have a lot of interests and hobbies, but no real passion that I could realistically make a living off of, unless of course, I could make $60, 000 a year playing pick-up hockey but that’s probably impossible. I haven’t looked on monster.com, but it’s pretty unlikely I would find that there, or anywhere that isn’t an awesome imaginary place.

I think about doing something altruistic like working for some Nongovernmental Organization. Maybe the reward would be gratifying enough, but, I’m not willing to put in the work, years of interning, or time living in a Central American village digging a water well, as selfless and satisfying that work must be.  Then I think, maybe I could start a business, except, I lack the two most integral components of starting a business – motivation and an idea. In my youth I wanted to be a professional hockey player, and if I’m honest, would still like to, but that ship sailed a long time ago, along with the height and natural athletic ability I never received. Eventually, I decided to study education so I could save the world one maladjusted kid at a time, but I soon realized that it wasn’t for me. So, I’ve tried a couple things, probably not enough, but I have tried a couple, and thought about a bunch more, albeit briefly, but nothing sticks out.

And then there are the people that have found ‘it’. I’m talking about the people that loved biology all their life and then went on to become…I don’t know, a biologist of some sort, or someone who loved a particular sport, couldn’t play it professionally but became a part of it professionally in some capacity. These people love what they do, are happy going to work, and are really driven because they have dedicated themselves to something they enjoy, and while I am genuinely happy for them, and feel happy to see them happy, I kind of hate them at the same time. That’s a bit of an exaggeration. I don’t hate them. I just want that; that passion and enthusiasm for what I do, and I just haven’t found it, and that really fucking irritates me sometimes.